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Subscribe to RSSWell, this is awkward. A Dutch psychologist may have uncovered exactly what it is that makes those disruptions in conversation so horribly uncomfortable: They elicit deep-seated, primal fears of social acceptance and belonging.
"You could compare the dynamics of an interaction with dancing: Partners smoothly follow each others steps and know when to take over, in such a way that, in the end, one flowing dance appears," says Namkje Koudenburg, of the psychology department at the University of Groningen.
"In our research we found that this conversational flow is very pleasant; it informs us that things are all right: We belong to the group and agree with one another,” she continues. “As such, conversational flow serves social needs. That is, the need to belong, the need for self-esteem and the need for social validation."
The study consisted of two experiments, involving 162 total undergraduate students overall. In one experiment, participants watched one of two versions of a six-minute video clip, in which a group of three female students were talking about relationships. The participants were to imagine themselves being one of the three female students in the video, a woman named Linda. The three talked for four minutes, and then "Linda" said that teachers who have sex with students should be fired immediately. (Awkward.)
In one version of the video, the other members of the group smoothly steered the conversation to a topic that wasn't directly related to what Linda had said, and the conversation continued for two more minutes, never returning to the subject she had broached. But in the "disrupted flow" version of the video, Linda's words were followed with four seconds of silence, and then the conversation continued in a similar way to the first video. In a questionnaire, those who imagined themselves as Linda in the awkward-silence scenario reported feeling more rejection and more negative emotions, and fewer feelings of belonging or self-esteem, than those who watched the conversation that kept going without skipping a beat.
People who experienced the awkward silence reported feeling “distressed, afraid, hurt, and rejected,” according to the paper published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
"Even when people are not consciously aware that there is a silence, they immediately sense that there is something wrong," Koudenburg says. "Experiencing conversational flow is probably more than just detecting a silence. There may also be other ways in which a conversation is not as smooth as you would want it to be.”
Koudenburg doesn’t recommend rushing to fill the awkward silences when they occur. Instead, she suggests trying to identify what brought it about – a disagreement? A controversial statement? – and remembering that everyone experiencing the disruption in conversation is feeling just as uncomfortable as you are.
Because those awkward moments happen to everybody – there’s actually a Tumblr devoted to chronicling them. And if Natalie Portman weren’t a beautiful, famous, Oscar-nominated movie star, her dorky laugh at the Golden Globes last week might’ve shushed the crowd into an awkward silence.
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New York Times columnist Philip Galanes and TODAY contributor Harriette Cole give advice on how to handle awkward social situations, such as the pregnant belly rub.
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Sometimes silence occurs in conversations because one of the speakers is awkward in conversing to begin with, or because the speakers really have nothing to say. Awkwardness in conversing can also be projected into a conversation BY one of the speakers who has a constant need to blab and hear blabbing in order to feel secure. People who can't get past a 3 or 4 second "silence hurdle" when making conversation have a problem. And sometimes the pauses that exist between sentences and words can say as much as the sentences and words do, or mean nothing at all. Not every brief silent moment in a conversation equates with, "Oh my God! She stopped talking! Something is wrong! What! What?"
I am a talker and have been told so. I also listen. I stop, listen, and I actually know what the other person is saying. I find that most of the people who tell me I talk to much, are those who never listen. I don't need to be offended, but you can bet I don't talk to them anymore. The problem is when it happens at work. On one ocasion there were four of us dicussing some very important subjects. Most of what was said directlty affected my work. I tried and tried to make a comment. I even raised my hand so I could get permission. Finally one of them told me to stop interrupting. I yelled back that I would like to say something about things that were going to effect my work! The comment that I was interrupting again. So, I looked at each of them and asked them if they heard anything that I had said. Not one comment. That is when it was time to get the hell out of there! I admit that I often talk to much, but if you are a person that thinks this of someone, maybe you should evalute yourself and ask if you even bothered to listen to what that person had to say!
Well, Randy, of course they don't listen. You admit you talk too much, which implies you can't possibly have something useful or interesting to say during all that time, so people are just going to start to tune you out. Plus, you'll eventually develop a "blah blah blah" reputation at your work if you keep it up. Try to consciously monitor the percentage of time you're actually speaking and, if it gets excessive, try and reduce it...even if it means saying nothing at all.
As Judith Viorst was so kind to remind us: Brevity is the soul of wit. Brevity is also touted in the writer's bible: The Elements Of Style.
man...you are all jerks...whod wanna listen to any of you nit pickers...
My girlfriend and I go minutes at a time without saying a word. No, we're not making out or staring at each other. When there's nothing to say, it's un-necessary to gossip.
Anyone notice how many times Randy Blah-blah-blah used the words: I, Me and My in 1 paragraph? Lost count at 22... What a jerk!!!
Well said.... Hans. I believe what you said is very relevant to the topic.
There are definitely people who feel the need to fill the silence when it happens. I used to work for a guy who used silence intentionally at meetings to get people to spill their guts. He'd ask a question, let you answer, then say nothing - as if you hadn't spoken whatsoever. So the feeling generated was, he either didn't like what he heard, or the answer didn't address his question. After a couple times of falling for it, I caught on. And kept just as silent after giving my update. Eventually he moved onto easier prey :-)
This is a technique used in interviews all the time, think Barbara Walters. It's very uncomfortable to watch, but its very effective! People hate that awkward silence.. so they speak to fill it, saying things they probably regret later
I can't believe someone found this newsworthy.
But yet, you took the time to read it AND comment. Interesting.
Really, we all read it. Mission accomplished.
I didn't read it. I just skipped to the comments. What did I miss? :)
The boat.
(insert uncomfortable pause here)
Interesting study. Not earth-shattering or revolutionary in its findings, since it seems to merely confirm what most people know intuitively (i.e. silence can be awkward). As noted above by Hans and UechiWoman, however, silence can have a number of implications in the course of a conversation aside from awkwardness. It's an extremely useful method for eliciting additional information from people - as Uechi... described. Use it in virtually any negotiating scenario, and you're likely to gain an edge, or at least remain on equal footing with a savvy adversary.
:-)
Well said :)
Not uncomfortable at all...I only counted it as 3.25 seconds...
Sometimes slince is golden.
What is slince? ;-)
This study only reflects the behavior of one cultural group. Many groups in the world are very comfortable with extended periods of silence while in the company of others and see some others' tendency to fill any silence with jabber as rude and annoying. The researchers and readers should view it in that context.
Interesting point.
Absolutely agree! Research couples married for over 35 years and see what the results are. I'm sure they would be very different. :D
Silence can be a way to refocus a conversation, collect one's thoughts, or simply avoid the cacaphony of utterly useless knowledge.
I like the way you think......
For some reason this reminds me of an old proverb....
"There is nothing wrong with having nothing to say... unless you INSIST on saying it"
:-)
Silence is golden one person replies. Yes silence is golden, not every period of silence is an uncomfortable moment. sometime that silence is there to give the other person time to take the conversation into their hands. To respond to converse, to have a conversation. I myself find a few seconds of silence and place for me to jump in and to start talking. If there were no brief silences then how would someone else get a word in edge wise. Interrupt. Now thats an uncomforable situation to interrupt. I agree that this study needs to take on a different view, study a larger group of people in different cultures. The study didn't use enough people to make it worth writing a paper on. Again Silence is golden...
People need to learn how to shut up once and a while. It is probably because some people need to be talking all the time whether through text messages or on other social media. Then you got people from NYC and Long Island that you can spot from a mile away because they are all talking at the same time. Just from my experience though and I could be wrong.
Sounds like another useless study that I paid for without knowing about it. OK my lunch break is over; time to get back to work now.
Well, unless you're a Dutch citizen, or a generous alumnus of the University of Groningen, I highly doubt that this cost you a cent.
Talk about an awkward situation: REVELATION 8, When the Lord opened the 7th seal, there was
silence in heaven for about half an hour. Which gives one pause. Phyllis
I always find awkward pauses when speaking to people who quote the bible, because they can't think for themselves.
That is not true Joe. I can (and sometime do) quote the bible and I can think for myself.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, I will say, Well, that was an awkward silence, should we keep trying or find someone else to talk to. Usually gets a laugh then the conversation continues quite comfortablly, or we just laugh and walk away from each other. Works every time.
WOW! What did this cost the taxpayers?
Does anyone actually read before commenting?
Names have meaning, even in the Kingdom of the Netherlands. I wonder what 'Beev' means there?
Also, this study having been done in the Netherlands, was there any difference between those using pot versus those not? ;-D
Maybe I've narrowed this too close to home from personal experience, but, I've been standing in a corner, being shy, all of my life. Sometimes the person with the 'psycho-babble' has found themselves a bad habit. By the time they take a breath from 'entertaining' the room, anyone getting in a word has missed the boat.....the subject changed in a split second.That incessant blathering, I believe, has grown into a form of Turrets. Now, I'm enjoying sitting in the background, listening. Being shy made me feel awkward. I tell people quite often now to not mistake my silence for ignorance. I've acquired 'emotional intelligence' that seems to fit both social environments...so far. If it doesn't work, resort to purple sunglasses and turn into Stevie Wonder.
1) If this is an example of how the Dutch spend their time, then I believe they should stick to raising tulips. They're nice to look at in the spring and raising them is more productive than this study.
2) I can't believe anyone was able to "identify" with Linda after being told they were supposed to. That's complete buffalo pucks. I could understand filtering a larger group by asking which member of the video they identified with but specifically telling the group to "be" Linda can't possibly help guarantee the data is accurate.
How awkward is THAT?
I agree with "Buddin" ..thank you ,, couldnt have said the words better if I'd stayed in school... an d i mean that .. #2
Ummmmm [4 secs] Hello?
Uhhhh...... huh?
4 seconds of silence was a common thing in a Bush speech, sometimes by him, other times by those listening.
I'm pretty used to creating awkward silences.
Then, everyone gets the joke and laughs. So fun.
When I lived in NH before coming to FL, I used to occasionally watch Canadian TV. They would have talk shows similar to American shows, but very often they would just stop talking, drink some coffee and sit back and think. Sometimes 20+ seconds would pass. I found it fascinating. That would drive your average American audience nuts.
I've often found that silence is very effective in negotiations. Generally, "he who talks first loses."
LOL. All over the country, tv sets would get banged on to make sure they weree working.
How did they arrive at four seconds? Why not shorter or longer? Did the same participants watch videos with the same setup but with different intervals of silence? I suppose that would invalidate the data, so you would need to get other groups. But wouldn't two seconds after such a statement be just as awkward? I think that given that same situation, any length of time would be uncomfortable compared to immediately changing the subject.
Never yet met a person who talks a lot who also listens well. Mutually exclusive abilities in my opinion.